After struggling with depression and eating disorders for most of my life I was tired of merely existing and wanted to start living. Last year I had a list of 21 things to do before my 21st, and seeing snow was one of them. I was so blessed to have some amazing friends who wanted to help me achieve this. they surprised me after work one day with a secret road trip to the mountain. It was such a perfect evening filled with hope and joy and love, letting the simple become magical, creating adventure and embracing spontaneity. I want to always appreciate the little things, and remain in love with this life throughout the hard times. I will forever adore my teensy tiny snowflake that serves as a reminder of this!
I had a huge giggle to myself this morning when I put my dressing gown on - remembering the time at high school I was so messed up and stuck in my eating disorder that I thought it was a sweatshirt and I wore it to mufti day. yeah I rock this ;)
wore my pajama pants to work….
- because it’s a Saturday and I start at 6am
- because we have to put whites on overtop anyway
- because it’s been raining too much for my washing to dry
- because life is hard
- because I’m feeling very ‘medicated’ (is that a feeling?)
justified? I think so.
one of the (many) problems with my job is the injuries sustained from being too cold for proper spacial awareness. My knuckles are all bruised and swollen and I’ve no idea what or when I bumped anything.
gingernuts and chai latte in my favourite mug
+ pajamas and dressing gown at 3pm because oh my it’s been a long and tiring day.
I successfully went shopping and bought a new top though, and felt very cute for my group interview and didn’t need to compare myself against anyone else there.
I feel this depression lifting. life can be sweet.
our gym’s recently finished “fitness on demand” room is sooo much fun! today we played around with a 15 minute ab workout & a 12 minute ‘bikini butt’ video, and tomorrow morning I’m going to learn some African dancing.
planning adventures. booking tattoos. quitting my job.
so uhh… this embracing spontaneity thing is sorta happening
sometimes scrolling through Tumblr and Facebook only serve to hurt my heart. when all I see are beautiful people, pregnancies, engagements, graduations, first homes & overseas adventures. and I feel so trapped. anxious and depressed. stuck in a job that’s slowly killing me. very few friends. no notable talents or skills. directionless. unloved (& unlovable).
I have such little remaining hope and faith that things could ever improve, and I spend every waking moment trying to shake the thoughts and feelings that if this is all there is to life I’m not interested anymore.
but it’s in these moments of hopelessness that light shines through. like this message spelt out on the fridge for me, from my 11 year old brother who’s heart is already too big for this world. Or in a short conversation with the cashier who remembered me. or in offering my love and support to a friend who’s world has suddenly changed.
I won’t pretend things are good. I won’t pretend I’m okay. I feel like the precious moments and joyful love and adventures that used to surround me are now few and far between. maybe I’ve simply forgotten how to recognise them. maybe it’s the medication making me foggy. maybe it’s this mental instability that tinges everything black. mostly I can’t see the future. often I don’t want a future. but sometimes I imagine a future where I am happy; for now I cling to that.
pistol squats and single-leg double unders LIKE A BOSS!
yo. BMI doesn’t mean a thing.
what’s new in my life?
oh nothing much…just enjoying the nicest chocolate in all this world after running 4km and talking to some really lovely people. tomorrow is my ‘Friday’ and then I have two (very much needed) days off!
how are you my lovelies?